Back in the Saddle

I am back in NYC---home sweet home....and back in the saddle again.
I have been doing really well health wise. I have been going to the gym and eating healthy. I am down 5 pounds and seriously excited about it.
I think that having oatmeal for breakfast is proving to keep me feeling full all the way until lunch time. I top it with peanut butter, cranberries and almond slices, so it is higher in calories than one would expect, but none of them are empty calories.
After breakfast I feel rejuvenated and refreshed.
Its a whole new world to me.

I have not felt this good in a long time and I feel that my mind is finally in the right place to make and complete this journey to a healthier me.
I must admit, reading Dieting Battle and Angie All the Way I am very inspired. These girls are really doing it!

So I am sipping on my coffee, getting ready to hop on the subway to the Upper West Side and I feel like I can run a mile!
It can only get better from here and it is already good!

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER BATTLE

I skipped the gym today and shopped up a storm at the Mall here in Minnesota. I am freezing here. It was 5 degrees today, I have windburn on my hands and what might be a mild frost bite.
Checked my blood pressure today and it was perfect, having it high the other day scared the crap out of me.
I am sodium sensitive and have to stop all processed foods, even diet meals and bars. I think this is a good thing and can only help me lose weight and be healthier in the long run.

I have a few days left until I head back home to NYC and the sales here in the Midwest just lured me in today. The good thing was that I walked the mall for about 3 hours. FUN FUN FUN.
I had an ok food day today, should not have had the soft serve, but am accountable for my actions. I skipped a full lunch because of it and know that it was not a good choice.

I am within my calories, even had a little less, but it is the junk I am trying to get rid of. I want to eventually be eating unprocessed fresh foods every meal, every day.
One step at a time. I know I can do this. Hope tomorrow will be even better.
I will make sure it is.

Breakfast:
Oatmeal with PB2 and Cranberries
Coffee with Fat Free Half and Half

Lunch
Coffee
Soft Serve
1 med Banana, 1 med Nectarine and a handful of Blueberries

Dinner
Meat Loaf
Asparagus
1 small serving plain pasta

I am losing weight, very slowly, but still losing.
Weighing myself everyday might not always be a good idea, and I think I might stop, but being here visiting my husbands family and being at the mercy of junk food...well, I need motivation with the scale on a daily basis.
Will not be weighing in every day when I get back to NYC on Monday night.

Tomorrow we are off to the lake house to visit his sister...should be fun, but I am taking my oatmeal with me. This way I can at least be sure that breakfast will be healthy every day. Might take some extra fruit with me for snacks. I know they will have fruit, but want to be prepared.

I AM THE MASTER OF MY OWN DESTINY!

Back, once again

I have done this so many times.
When this blog started I was 280lbs, then I went down a few and up a few and down some more. Then I took a trip to Africa and ate like crazy and came back and did not get back on the scale for a while. I know I went up and down and up and down.uuggghhhh
Realizing I was soooo heavy was horrible.
My blood pressure is sky high, I am unfit and so much else. BUT, back in November I started back at the healthy lifestyle. I have lost a few pounds, I joined a gym and I am actually doing it, but the weight is taking forever to come off.
I want to get back to blogging, making this my food diary of sorts.
I am on vacation right now and barely holding on, but I am trying.

I need to get some things done first.....
I need a proper digital scale that is strong, can handle a lot of weight and will be accurate.
I am using measuring spoons
I must exercise more self control
Go to the gym more
Make smarter choices and just get healthy.

I want to be healthy
I want to Live
I want a baby

I HAVE TO DO THIS...FOR ME!

UPDATE:

Food:

• Turkey Sandwich from Subway 600 calories or 12 points
• Diet Soda
• Water 4 glasses
• Steak and Fruit

Gym:

• treadmill 10 minutes walking fast
• elyptical 10 minutes
• circuit 5 minutes

ROUND 2 (-3lbs)

Dear Morgan.

As you know, I fell off the food-wagon...uuggghhhh it was horrible.

I actually gained more than I had lost while doing the blog. But I am back in action now. ....as is the blog. I have been watching what I eat and moving more....Have been good for 3 weeks and I am back to where I started, minus 3lbs.

It is all new again for me.

Feeling fat is awful, but I am watching the weight melt away a little at a time, working out at the gym and recording all my food intake. 3 days ago I started the "Biggest Loser 30 day weight loss plan". It is a booklet that you record all your food, exercise and emotions in. I am so excited about this and thing that this is the boost I needed.

Yay me. -Dawn

Back on track!!

Dear Dawn:

I miss you, too! I am up early this morning for a class I have to attend, but more because I know if I don't get out and exercise this morning, I will really lose another day to excessiveness. It's been rough lately! I've found that the best key for me is to start the day with exercise. I hear what you are going through... the familiar flavors and all of the feelings and comforts that come with them. I am going to say that we both have to remember and live by this: Confidence and being truly comfortable are two things that we carry with us, no matter where we are and no matter where we go... they don't come through any food or superficial stuff. Why is that so hard to remember when we get around family and friends.... especially when we're back home?
Anyways, in focusing on the positive:

-I have lost 11 lbs since we started!! (Although, I think I've gained alot back, BUT I can and will lose it again!)
-I am able to get back on track after seriously "falling off the wagon"
-I have you for support and you really understand what I'm going through
-I live in a beautiful city with lots of outdoor summer activities that don't
have to involve food
-I have the ability to get out to walk and move in the morning- what a blessing that is!
-Thank God, I am still a relatively healthy person; now it's up to me to preserve that and to reverse any negative effects that might begin creeping in
Alright, Dawn! WE can do this!!!

I'm off for a walk, and the next time you're at a gathering, think of how much everyone wants to catch up with and know about how you're doing! Learn something interesting about everyone who is there! Talk to them! And remember- you can't talk to people if your mouth is full, right? The celebration is not the food, it's YOU!!

With love, Morgan

NOT starving in Africa!

Disclaimer: THe following post was typed on a delapadated computer in africa. Spelling might be terrible and the language might not make sense. I hope you can decifer the type!
Spellcheck is not working and I am too lazy to re-read it. Please Morgan, spellcheck it for me and then repost it!

Thanks in advance........

Oh Morgan,

I am in Cape Town South Africa. I have been here for a week. What a beautiful land this is.
Apart from the rain and the cold teperatures, I am loving every minute.
The only curse is the food.
Unlike most South African---I am not starving.
I am so full I can barely type this.

I was so good the first 3 days and then I went to one of the gatherings and the curries, nan bread and Brittish deserts lured me in. Everything here is delicious. I have yet to find a food I do not like. All the sweets and yummy deserts are flavored with custard, toffee or caramel! All my weak flavors are rolled into one.

The good news is that after 4 days of eating non-stop and trying everything... I am done.
I dont want to eat anymore.
I am tired of eating--can you believe it?
I am not saying that this will continue, but I will definitly slow down a bit.
I think that the idea of just eating because I can nauseates me. Especially in a country where more than half are starving as I gorge my face with food-- enought for 4 people.

So I am going to focus on the positive.

1. I am still able to get back on track
2. I have lost 12 lbs since we started this journey
3. I am looking and feeling so much better than I have in at least a year
4. I have done this before and know that I can do it again
5. I have you to dish with and you for suppot
6. I have to stay on track so that I can support you too
7. I am going to be in Africa for a total of 6 weeks! I have to get back on track sooner or later--otherwise I will be back where we started and that will not be good. Not for me or for our blog!
8. And finally, because we actually have people who read this blog--can you believe it. And they are so nice and supportive and they are going through or have gone through this before. What an incentive.

So thats it Morgan.
I am in Africa, not starving, but willing to get back on track first thing!

My body is aching from the strain of this weight.
My conscience is hurting from my gluttony in the land they say is filled with milk and honey, but instead is filled with starving cold africans, many displaced from their homes.
My back is sore, my head is sore and my blood pressure could definitly be better than it is!

I miss you and our chats. I long to look out my kitchen window as I prepare a healthy meal and see you across the way in your kitchen doing the same.
Miss you neighbor. Miss you friend.
But most of all, I miss you-my diet buddy

Thank god for facebook and blogger.com

-Love Dawn

The Deep-Fried South

Dawn! It's been so long since I've last written- I know you're halfway across the world by now yourself? Please let me know how you're doing!
I've been back home since we last spoke- visiting my parents in the little town that I grew up in outside of Charlotte, NC. I had a lovely time, really, I did, but like many things to do with Southern culture, part of having fun is enjoying the food! When will I learn how to differentiate the fun from the food? Well, the painful truth is this: after gallons of sweet tea, dozens of fried-chicken-filled biscuits, slice after slice of pecan pie, homemade mint-chocolate pound cake with a sad streak in the middle, crisp fried okra, peach cider, apple pie, and oh, you name it, I ate it, I am ashamed to say that I feel certain that I've gained back every pound I lost. Oh, Dawn- I tried so hard to be good! And, I was at first, but with all the choices, and delicious selections.... well, my urge to eat got the better of me! Some days I just ate and ate until I couldn't eat anymore.... in my mind, I guess I was thinking "How often do I get to eat these yummy things living in NYC? Never! So, I better eat as much as I can while I'm here!" I ate until I was numb, until my sides hurt, and until I sometimes fell asleep from the fullness. Now, what kind of twisted-up logic is that? Really! I guess it wouldn't be so twisted if I were thin and had better habits, but in my current state, it can be identified as nothing other than a really fat person pigging out and eating disgusting amounts of unhealthy food like a pig at a trough who wants the very last scrap. I am like an alcoholic with food, Dawn- I can't stop at one bite or one portion! If I have it, the flood gates are open, and the rest and then some comes pouring in! I am not satisfied until I give in.

Going home has such a strange effect...In my moments of weakness, I seemed to revert back to my childhood habits of sneaking food out of the refrigerator when no one is looking and scarfing it down really quickly as I hear footsteps approaching the kitchen for shame of being caught. This has got to end!
Well, I won't be home again until Christmas. So, I guess between now and then I can lose the weight that I gained back while I was here, and figure out how to combat the Deep-Fried South when I do visit. I am determined to break the cycle, Dawn! I seriously cannot live like this.... at least not very healthfully for much longer, that's for sure!

Weighing in....

...so, on a whim about 3 weeks ago I weighed myself on one of my colleagues' scales at work when she wasn't at her desk. I figured what the hell, might as well see the damage- and, damage it was! YIKES! Well, I have successfully gained 100 pounds in less than 2 years. I won't even begin to go through all of the cuts of meat and small children- holiday hams and turkeys and jumbo Costco-sized vats of mayonnaise that would add up to 100 pounds, Dawn, but you get my drift! Talk about tragic... tragedy! That is the best word to describe it... tragedy. Anyways, I have seriously, SERIOUSLY had enough already! I want to be healthy, thin, and for God's sake, wear a bathing suit again without feeling utterly disgusting. There. I said it. These extra fat layers make me feel DISGUSTING. And you know what? I'm not okay with feeling that way, but I am finally okay with admitting it. It has nothing to do with who I am as a person or how fabulous I am (cause' I am!)- it just has to do with how I've treated my body and what I've allowed it to turn into.
However, the light at the end of the tunnel is that I weighed myself today on the same scale again, and voila! The magic weight-loss fairy has bopped me on the head with her lovely Richard Simmons workout tape... I've lost just a few ounces shy of 10 pounds!! Thank God for pleasant surprises! Anyways, I am so psyched... 10 pounds in 3 weeks? I'll take it! And pass me another glass of water to boot!

I had an amazing experience this last weekend. I went to Shelter Island, NY to sing for a special group of women who were attending an Oncology Camp called Bravehearts. What an amazing experience to meet such strong women! All of them had either had cancer or were currently battling it. I came back feeling so refreshed and renewed- both from the experience of performing for them and also because of their energy, strength, and charisma for life. The experience just further encouraged me to pursue my goals and dreams, and to grab life and ride the waves, not just to watch them from a distance. We can do this, Dawn! We owe it to ourselves. The moment is now!

LAZY DAYS ARE OVER!

Dear Morgan,

I am fat, and exhausted with being fat.
I hate being fat and quite frankly I dont like other people who are fat either.
Looking at other people who are fat reminds me just how bad it is for me! I know that is selfish, horribly judgmental and maybe even cruel, but I dont care. Honesty has to be part of this process.

I am so tired of people who say they are fat because of their metabolism or because of an injury or because of genetics. Yes I am sure there are people like that, but how small is that percentage?

From experience I know that people who are fat---they eat too much and dont move enough!
I know that gluttony and laziness make people fat. Gluttony and laziness has made me fat.

I am a glutton who is lazy!

There I said it!
My eyes are too bug for my stomach. I hate walking in the heat. I hate walking in the cold.
I am spoilt beyond belief.
I take cabs everywhere! I spend hundreds of dollars a month just so that I wont have to wait for a subway. I talk myself into hopping in a cab and forking over $20 at a time, just so that I wont have to take the time to walk or climb those stairs in the subway station!

I order in so that I wont have to walk to pick it up, I send out our laundry so I wont have to do it myself! I mean really! I hate physical activity.
It wasn't always this way.....

I remember when I was much thinner. I was 100 pounds thinner!
I used to walk everywhere. I went to the gym and took aerobics and yoga classes! I never took a cab, I walked from Uptown, to Downtown, across town and through Central Park!
Well, that's it!

Today is different! No more cabs for me!
I am going to walk more and eat less.
I have to, or else I am just going to be heavier next week and then even heavier next month!

I was in the Hampton's this past weekend celebrating my wedding anniversary with my husband and let me tell you, if anything can get a fat girl down, it is skinny rich bitches parading in their sexy bikinis and Chanel sunglasses while swinging their Prada bags.

Everyone was soooo thin.
Everyone except me.

The weather was perfect, our suite was gorgeous -: on the beach with our own balcony and while I loved every minute of it, I know I would have had a better time if I was at my fighting weight!

So, I put on my swimsuit and donned a sarong. I did look fabulous, but I didnt feel it on the inside. I realized, I am no longer proud of the way I look. Somehow I have let myself go to such an extent that I dont even recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
I want myself back!
I want to be me again.

And I am determined!
So determined, that I am going to start weighing myself.
Tomorrow!
I weighed myself when we started this journey and I think I am going to weigh myself tomorrow!
Even a 3 pound loss would make me happy!

Ok, so enough talk...I have to take action.
I am going to go out now and walk to Starbucks for a sugar-free, skim iced coffee!

Are we going to meet up today or tomorrow?
Would love to see you!

cracks in the sidewalk

Dawn: I hope you are alright these days! It's been awhile, we have to catch up.
The first thing I have to tell you is this: remember how I was glowing about yesterday's success,
the small piece of cake, etc, etc...

Well, I went home last night and ate two slices of pizza. Not just ordinary pizza,
but the barbeque chicken variety. MMM.... sweet sauce, melted cheese, smoky chicken...
And I would have eaten more if there would have been more,
but thankfully for me, there were only 2 slices left to dash my hopes and dreams with.
I subsequently instructed my husband that in all future pizza-ordering situations, he must tell me ahead
of time or hide the leftovers! Truthfully, I hadn't had dinner yet, and the pizza was the first thing that I
encountered after a long day of work followed by a 2-hour evening graduate class which puts my arriving home
between 8:45 and 9:00 every day of the week except for Friday. So, that being said, to eat the pizza was a normal
reaction from a hungry person who didn't have the energy to cook something and didn't have anything "quick"
to eat on-hand. As soon as I did it though, I was sorry. Back to my old self-abominations, like "This is just the beginning-
soon the flood gates will open, and you won't be able to control yourself.", or "Why bother? You've been fat for this
long- it's not like you have a good chance of losing the weight and keeping it off, so ya' might as well eat."
I went to the kitchen, had a small glass of soy milk, and somewhere in me found the spark to shove aside all of
the negative whisperings from those old skeletons in my closets. I realize that if I'm going to be healthy, I can't think
that way anymore! I deserve to be healthy just as much as the skinny gal next to me on the subway!
I guess what's a little troubling is that I don't know when I started to think that I DIDN'T deserve it....
I guess it just crept up on me like the extra pounds did. Anyway, it's just getting too heavy to carry around anymore.
I'M getting too heavy to carry myself around anymore.
Hiding under all these layers of fat is someone who is fun, talented, and smart, among other things.
I am tired of being the girl who holds herself back.
I refuse to do it anymore.... I'm moving forward, working harder, thinking better, and all I can say is,
lookout world!!

Let them eat cake!!

Dear Dawn:

So, it's been super-busy as I'm wrapping up the end of the year here, but
here's a quick "how it's going": PRETTY GOOD!!!

I attended a baby shower for a colleague today, I ate a small amount of what I wanted,
and I had a small piece of cake, too. And I do mean small... like, skinny-girl small.
Like the teeny-tiny squares on those finger napkins at weddings that you have to look twice to see,
and there is at least one waif saying "Oh my gosh, this is so rich and just too much for me!" small. Yep, that small.
I must say, for me, that's doing really well. I definitely won't lie and say that I didn't crave more of that yummy,
tooth-rotting icing, but I resisted the opportunity and left it for the rest of the revelers to devour. Go me!
My old self would be grabbing finger-fulls of leftover icing when no one was looking,
so I feel pretty good about this one. You know what else? The cake actually hurt my tummy a little-
I think because it was so sweet! So strange how after even just 2 weeks my body is used to not having
the intense sugar I used to crave. YAY!!!! I think I'm going to make it after all!
See? Told ya' it was a quickie! Now if I can just move more on a regular basis, I'll have a pretty good thing goin'!

These "boots" were made for walkin'....

...and that's just what I did! Dawn, I hope your weekend was fantastic and filled with relaxation and fun! I can't wait to catch up with you. So, yesterday I woke at my normal time because my husband had to work this weekend. I woke up with him, downed my first 2 glasses of water for the day... it's like medicine, I tell ya'- those first 2 glasses always taste so harsh to me, especially compared to the sugary juices that I'm accustomed to. I learned that from an old trainer who said that the first thing she does when she wakes up is go to the sink and drink 2 glasses of water... she said it's a good habit, because you start the day with hydration, and you train your body to expect water first. After those first 2 glasses, though, I'm good to go- it seems to get me in a water-drinking routine for the day. Whatever works, right? So, as I was saying... I woke at my normal time, 6:00 even though it was a Saturday to a cool, low-humidity morning with the beautiful sun peeking and beckoning me through my living room window. The city outside seemed to glow with a purple-lavender light- the old, grayish buildings taking on the magic hues of a Van Gogh painting... I think the world is so beautiful at that time of day! It's the time when it feels like the slates are clean and there is an innocence and a knowing all at once. In my favorite book by C.S. Lewis "Til' We Have Faces", the princess goes to look for her sister who swears that she is living in a beautiful, luxurious palace that is invisible to the eye of those who don't believe in it. After arguing with her sister extensively to come home, the princess begins to leave, and then she turns around to bid her sister farewell. In the pink and lavender light of the early morning, she catches the briefest glimpse of the palace in all of it's glory just as the sister had described it, and it shakes all of her foundations of what she was sure was true.
There is the feeling of magic this morning! Granted, not every morning.... when I'm rushing to work, it's a different story. But when I really have the time to take it all in, well...
It was all of this that lead me outside to the park for a walk. That's it- I just couldn't take it anymore- I HAD to go! Which is the best feeling... I put my earphones in to block out the sound of my heavy panting as I climbed the hill, and I thought to myself "I can't stand the inside of a gym on a day like today." As I neared the park, I passed a few people walking their dogs.... a few couples arm in arm, making their way to the farmer's market. We passed each other is silence, and whether they noticed my heavy breathing or not, I didn't care... I just walked. It was my date with myself and the magic of the hour.

FAT in the city...

...so, here it is, Dawn. The truth is, I LOVE summer! Or, more accurately, I love the illusionary idea I have of it. Every time I think of summer, I entertain myself with visions of pool-side parties where everyone, (including myself) is clad in those fun, trendy bathing suits from the fashion mags, sipping cocktails, of course, with that laissez-faire "Nothing could rain on our party because we are so carefree, young and having fun" kind of attitude. Light, breezy, and free. And maybe in this vision I would wear a sarong if the mood strikes me, but only because I liked the sexy, slinky, exotic feel of it... NOT because I needed it to hide my bulging thighs that meet in the middle, or my saddle bags slung on either side. I would always have a nice, "healthy" golden glow from a tan to perfectly complement and highlight my perfectly amazingly sexy and dare I say graceful, slender arms... which is really funny, because in real life I never tan, but rather, I always broil into the shade a perfectly-done lobster. And my arms, well... Funny where my imagination can lead me... I am sure it's because the current truth of the matter is so hard to stomach (no pun intended!)

This time of year, when I waddle down the streets of New York City, the ratio of fat people to skinny people is definitely made quite painfully clear. As the temperatures rise, it seems that the clothing becomes almost optional for my skinny city-mates. Sometimes I can feel the eyes peering at me as I pass, trying not to look too hard, but still trying to take in the sight that is me!
Every morning as I make the morning commute to work, I'm treated to eyeful after eyeful of short hemlines and breezy little low-cut linen dresses, and I find myself wishing, well okay, even praying sometimes just to be able to slide myself into one of those outfits to be able to feel the cooling breeze caress my legs. And I'm modest, you know- I really don't want the short hemline or the ridiculously plunging necklines that some of the women wear... just a little forgiveness from the heat and the sticky sweat that permeates all of the fabric that I wear. It's not even August yet, Dawn... the last 2 days have been a little better, but I'm definitely not looking forward to July! It sucks to be fat in the city!
The best thing is: the diet is going really well! Even though I'm having some cravings, I've been able to resist them for now. Fruit instead of chocolate, 1-2 servings of soy chips with salsa once a day instead of potato chips or ice cream, water or a sugar-free drink instead of a syrupy juice... little by little, I WILL control my cravings, they will not control me!

Wedding Dress Blues!

Chowing on stawberries right now to calm my nerves after realizing that 4 years ago my wedding dress fit and now it doesnt. uuuggghhhh
Happy Anniversary to me

I have been married 4 years (tomorrow) and I can no longer fit into my wedding dress!

It is not just tight on me----------I cannot even close the zipper!

Not to mention the fact that I was not thin on my wedding day, not thin by a long shot. In fact, I was quite fat, 40 pound less than I am now, but still very fat!

Which just goes to prove that I am way over the limit of fat at this point!

WAAAAY over!

Give me an... "R!!"... Give me an "E!!"... Give me an "S-O-L-V-E!!!" What does it spell? Ughrarghh!

...So, my dear Dawn, my cheer to myself for the week and the upcoming weekend is RESOLVE!!! I absolutely resolve to change my personal relationship with food. Despite the heat. Despite how much my thighs stick together. Despite that my breasts utterly stick to the top of my belly like fly paper and I literally have to peel them off because of the sweat.
All that I can tell you is that this heat makes me want to do nothing.... nothing, but sit still, drink frozen drinks and eat ice cream. Chocolate ice cream. No, make that chocolate sorbet. The less dairy in this heat, the better. And lime-flavored, sugar-laden cocktails... doesn't matter if they have a kicker or not. Yes, and then to pass out in this heat. THAT is what I really long to do.
I am still finishing my Masters- nothing makes me want to eat like the stress of education! And how it kills me to work all day and then have to walk to school and attend class in these sweaty, damp clothes (jeans or a long skirt, of course- one that covers my thighs and knees). For everyone to see me huff up the stairs, and believe me- I keep up with the best of them, even though I'm fat, or, I did until this heat hit us.
So, you see Dawn, my deepest, darkest longing to gorge myself with sorbet and cocktails is well-founded! I work hard, and anyone who works hard in this heat would want the same! Thin people do it all the time.... spend a day by the pool and stuff themselves silly with cool, refreshing cocktail drinks. The only problem is that I wouldn't just stop at one day, Dawn. One would become two, cocktails would become milkshakes, etc, etc, etc... all of this to say, we are using this blog to express our feelings, and this is how I feel! But, the difference this time is, I also feel like I have the RESOLVE to say no thank you to my old habits. No, not this time! I must say- the temperature is finally going down, and things for me seem to finally be looking up!!

YESTERDAY!

Dear Morgan

It was so so hot.
I am still so, so fat.

BUT.....

I am still on track.
I know you are doing Weight Watchers (WW) and I wish I could stick to that plan, but I cant.
Here is the plan that worked for me before.

I am:

• Adding lots of water----all I am permitting myself to drink.
• Moving more. (walking everywhere)--also determined to start using my gym membership.
• Eating Less. (much, much less)
• Slim Fast (SF) Shakes for breakfast
• Fruit throughout the day
• Nothing wheat
• Nothing sweet--except the SF shakes,
• dinner by 6pm

I have discovered that my weak time is after 6pm. I can literally eat dinner at 10pm most nights. Not anymore---that is my big change.

How is your WW going?

-Dawn

The Magic of Second Chances

Dear Dawn:

Yay for you... well, yay for US! First of all for being so committed this time and for starting with a really positive outlook.
It's amazing how taking action truly changes my thinking. Just like you said that you woke up this morning excited to start your new day, so did I! I put on my favorite jeans (that also happen to be the only ones that fit me really well, as of late), and a new top that I bought in a bright fuscia. I love bright colors... they reflect my personality so well and they always make me feel good. For a long time, I used to wear all black and neutral tones because I was always seeing style tips and being told that "Bright colors only emphasize and magnify your flaws. They make large women look like a circus tent, a mural in a child's bedroom, your grandmother's printed couch..." the list goes on.... Anyway, I don't believe any of those for a second... it's all in how you wear bright colors, because I've definitely seen a few gals on the twiggy side walking around with dresses that make them look circus-like, too... just more like a waifish clown instead of a tent. So, I digress... Sometimes it really is just the way the colors are put together.
Back on topic, I do feel like a new person! I know my clothes aren't any looser yet, but I already feel better in them. I feel taller, I feel healthier already... this feeling is definitely addictive, Dawn.

For breakfast, I had some plain fat free yogurt with strawberries and blueberries with water, of course! It's been a long time since I've tried eating plain yogurt without dousing it with sugar or honey, but I really made it a point to TASTE the combination of the tartness of the yogurt and the sweetness of the berries. I found myself surprised that they are actually sweet without any sugar! And then I felt excited all over again, because I feel like this time I am really going to be successful.

On my way to work, I sat on the bus feeling the little trails of sweat snaking down underneath my armpits, between my waistband, next to my skin- traversing it's way over the map of stretchmarks that detail all of my successes and failings with food, inch by inch. Someone came to sit down beside me, but they realized that there wasn't enough room, and they turned away- with embarrassment or frustration or disgust, I'll never know. I scooted over as far as a could so a mother could place her child beside me- there is now only room for a young child or skinny adolescent to fit next to me on the bus or subway- I take up too much space these days. For a moment, I felt the shame of it. I took another swig of my now-tepid water, shrugged off the negative feelings and I thought to myself "Nothing will stop me from being healthy today- NOTHING."

Monday Mantra

Dear Morgan.

Well it is Monday, the day most people start a diet.
The day of the week fat people look forward to and husbands dread!

My husband knows Mondays as the day 1 of my "always"diet......every week, 52 times a year.

I am so used to pigging out on the weekends, that every Sunday I would look my husband square in the eye, tell him he needs to support me and then proclaim that "the diet starts Monday" By Wednesday I am sneaking food, overeating at meal times and scoffing down leftovers in the kitchen.

Not today. Today is Day 3 of the new me!
This Monday is differant.

I went to bed at midnight last night and woke up at 3:30 this morning, because I was so excited to start my day. I heaved my heavy body up off the bed and I shaved my legs and washed my hair...all before 4am.
I moisturized my face and drank a glass of water while looking out at the pink sky over Manhattan and I truly felt that today was going to be a good day.

I have been on this diet for 3 days and I am elated. I was pretty healthy yesterday, I think I ate way too many servings of fruit, waaaaaaay too many (like 6 or something) but it was fruit, not candy, so I am already off to a better start than before. Yesterday was not perfect by any means. But it was 150% better than my other diet days of yerster-year.

Today I aim to be better
I had 8oz of chocolate slimfast (6:30am).
At 8am I am off to the hair salon to have my hair done. I figure that if I look good and feel good, that I will do even better at making healthy choices for the new me.

I am focused Morgan.
FOCUSED!

Of course I have to stop for an ice-coffee--- (no sugar and plenty of skim milk)---for I am in need of caffeine for this tired body.

I am feel good about our diet, I know change will be gradual and that my thighs still touch and my belly literally makes me look 7 months pregnant. Watch out world, because my belly's days are numbered----Its time of free reign has come to an end.

I have to work from 12-4 today and I have a business lunch, where my true test will be in choosing a healthy option. But I am determined, just like you are that this is the end of the line.
Fat is not healthy---not for me anyway and quite frankly, it sucks being hot, sweaty and uncomfortable.

This much FAT IS OUT!!!!

-Dawn

Reality check: truth in vivid, bold, in-your-face color

Dear Dawn,

!!!Wow!!! These pictures really stink. And yet, the real truth of the matter is, I'm always shocked by pictures of myself, because I never believe that I'm actually THIS heavy until I see it right in front of me in living, bold, stark, truthful COLOR! Yikes!! And what a large truth it is. It is so east to deny what I actually look like... I mean, I've successfully avoided having any full length mirrors in my home, I've become a pro at dodging pictures, and I am in total denial when it comes to catching a glimpse of my own reflection when I walk past the plate glass windows of a store front... usually filled with clothes and lingerie that would no doubt only fit over one of my thighs before splitting up the seams. I probably sound like I am being negative about myself, but really, I am just being truthful. I do love who I am inside, as a person, and I think that I am a beautiful person, too. I also think that if I keep telling myself "Plus-sized is beautiful, bigger is better..." and all of these other mantras we've been imbibing for the past decade or so, that I am doing my personal self a disservice. I can't speak for everyone, Dawn, but I myself have coddled, coaxed myself up to the heaviest and most unhealthy I've ever been in my entire life with these statements! You know what? It's time for the truth: Bigger is not better for me: HEALTHY is better for me. It's time for me to face that before I no longer have a choice in the matter.

Well, I have to tell you... I didn't get to move today the way we did yesterday... I had to work from 12-6, and the heat was killer today, so no walking outside, that's for sure! BUT, the positive of the matter is I didn't totally eat junk today. I wasn't perfect, but I did damn well, I must say. I started the day with 2 big glasses of water, a late breakfast of a nice cold salad around 11:15, (I woke up late today!) more water during the day at work, a late lunch/early dinner of sushi and more water, and then a snack of a small bag of soy rice cakes and salsa with a canned iced coffee. (Mocha monster coffee... it's a bit sugary, but low in fat. Considering it was my only real sugary thing for the day, I think I'll be alright :o) I wasn't perfect, but I was definitely BETTER. Not brave enough to hit the scales just yet... back to drink some water before I settle in for the evening.
...the heat is making my thighs stick together like a tongue to a frozen flagpole. I refuse to live like this any longer, Dawn.... change is in progress!

BEFORE

We will never be this fat again!
Morgan Left
Dawn Right












Walking one Mile over the Bridge: Day 1
Morgan = on Left
Dawn = on Right

An unsightly sight...

Dear Dawn:

Well, I must admit to you that I am often the one girl with the loud mouth who figures that if she makes enough noise, is funny enough, outgoing enough, and gives a captivating enough performance of herself that she will successfully convince everyone to see that she is not indeed fat. Fat well beyond what her 5 foot 9 inches of height and bone frame can efficiently handle; so fat that her body is beginning to show aches and pains, and signs of aging that should not be present until she is at least approaching 60. My hips hurt, my knees ache and I feel as if more than 1 flight of stairs is an intense workout. I wake up at night sometimes with my heart racing because of stress at work, and I think to myself "Oh my God! If this gets worse, is this really how I would want my life to end? With my husband waking up next to me in the morning to find me dead from a heart attack due to stress and this extra person, this extra layer of fat I carry around with me? What a waste of a good life that would be." I never thought I would say it, but I need help! And, what's more than that: my husband loves me for who I am, but has no real idea of how this is effecting my health. He has no idea because I hide it from him so very well.
Dawn, I have decided to make a change TODAY. I am starting by walking the one mile with you, by taking a healthy shopping trip, and by making a promise to myself: I CAN be a healthy person, even if it takes one step at a time.

PS... The walk this morning was just what I needed to kickstart everything! This time, Dawn, I cannot fail.

Day 1

Dear Morgan,

Today I feel like anything is possible. Yes it is a stifling 90 degrees here in Manhattan, and all these extra layers are not helping my complexion, but I still think today is the first day of change. TODAY my friend we begin our journey to our true and real selves.

I am getting ready to meet you downstairs for our first one mile walk and I must say, I have just hopped out of the shower and I would have been dressed and ready by now, if not for the fact that my bath towel only covers 3/4 of my body ---- so it takes longer than the usual 5 minutes for me to get out of the shower, dry and dress. In fact because of my larger surface area, I am convinced that it even takes me longer than the average person to actually shower and wash this grotesqueness that is my body!
UUUUGGGGHHHHH I hate being fat.
I am so over this fattiness.

I ate 2 fresh, ripe prunes for breakfast and I am going to try to drink water today. Lots of it.

Cant wait to see you and walk and talk.

I am hauling my lardy ass off this chair and out the door in the next 5 minutes.
See you downstairs.

From,
Dawn