cracks in the sidewalk

Dawn: I hope you are alright these days! It's been awhile, we have to catch up.
The first thing I have to tell you is this: remember how I was glowing about yesterday's success,
the small piece of cake, etc, etc...

Well, I went home last night and ate two slices of pizza. Not just ordinary pizza,
but the barbeque chicken variety. MMM.... sweet sauce, melted cheese, smoky chicken...
And I would have eaten more if there would have been more,
but thankfully for me, there were only 2 slices left to dash my hopes and dreams with.
I subsequently instructed my husband that in all future pizza-ordering situations, he must tell me ahead
of time or hide the leftovers! Truthfully, I hadn't had dinner yet, and the pizza was the first thing that I
encountered after a long day of work followed by a 2-hour evening graduate class which puts my arriving home
between 8:45 and 9:00 every day of the week except for Friday. So, that being said, to eat the pizza was a normal
reaction from a hungry person who didn't have the energy to cook something and didn't have anything "quick"
to eat on-hand. As soon as I did it though, I was sorry. Back to my old self-abominations, like "This is just the beginning-
soon the flood gates will open, and you won't be able to control yourself.", or "Why bother? You've been fat for this
long- it's not like you have a good chance of losing the weight and keeping it off, so ya' might as well eat."
I went to the kitchen, had a small glass of soy milk, and somewhere in me found the spark to shove aside all of
the negative whisperings from those old skeletons in my closets. I realize that if I'm going to be healthy, I can't think
that way anymore! I deserve to be healthy just as much as the skinny gal next to me on the subway!
I guess what's a little troubling is that I don't know when I started to think that I DIDN'T deserve it....
I guess it just crept up on me like the extra pounds did. Anyway, it's just getting too heavy to carry around anymore.
I'M getting too heavy to carry myself around anymore.
Hiding under all these layers of fat is someone who is fun, talented, and smart, among other things.
I am tired of being the girl who holds herself back.
I refuse to do it anymore.... I'm moving forward, working harder, thinking better, and all I can say is,
lookout world!!