The Magic of Second Chances

Dear Dawn:

Yay for you... well, yay for US! First of all for being so committed this time and for starting with a really positive outlook.
It's amazing how taking action truly changes my thinking. Just like you said that you woke up this morning excited to start your new day, so did I! I put on my favorite jeans (that also happen to be the only ones that fit me really well, as of late), and a new top that I bought in a bright fuscia. I love bright colors... they reflect my personality so well and they always make me feel good. For a long time, I used to wear all black and neutral tones because I was always seeing style tips and being told that "Bright colors only emphasize and magnify your flaws. They make large women look like a circus tent, a mural in a child's bedroom, your grandmother's printed couch..." the list goes on.... Anyway, I don't believe any of those for a second... it's all in how you wear bright colors, because I've definitely seen a few gals on the twiggy side walking around with dresses that make them look circus-like, too... just more like a waifish clown instead of a tent. So, I digress... Sometimes it really is just the way the colors are put together.
Back on topic, I do feel like a new person! I know my clothes aren't any looser yet, but I already feel better in them. I feel taller, I feel healthier already... this feeling is definitely addictive, Dawn.

For breakfast, I had some plain fat free yogurt with strawberries and blueberries with water, of course! It's been a long time since I've tried eating plain yogurt without dousing it with sugar or honey, but I really made it a point to TASTE the combination of the tartness of the yogurt and the sweetness of the berries. I found myself surprised that they are actually sweet without any sugar! And then I felt excited all over again, because I feel like this time I am really going to be successful.

On my way to work, I sat on the bus feeling the little trails of sweat snaking down underneath my armpits, between my waistband, next to my skin- traversing it's way over the map of stretchmarks that detail all of my successes and failings with food, inch by inch. Someone came to sit down beside me, but they realized that there wasn't enough room, and they turned away- with embarrassment or frustration or disgust, I'll never know. I scooted over as far as a could so a mother could place her child beside me- there is now only room for a young child or skinny adolescent to fit next to me on the bus or subway- I take up too much space these days. For a moment, I felt the shame of it. I took another swig of my now-tepid water, shrugged off the negative feelings and I thought to myself "Nothing will stop me from being healthy today- NOTHING."